


Home is where the heart is

by tokkei12



Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: Family, Fluff, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-25
Updated: 2013-02-25
Packaged: 2017-12-03 15:37:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/699837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokkei12/pseuds/tokkei12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. In which none of them are blood-related, but they’re all living together for some reason. Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home is where the heart is

**Author's Note:**

> It's not so much spoilers as it is references up to ep18 that you won't get unless you've watched it. Also, major thanks to my sister (for beta-ing), seaboveskybelow (for getting me into PP), sofigb (for additional fangirling), and gaviotaperdida (for everything) ^.^ And I don't own anything.

The fic was inspired by and based on [this picture](http://www.zerochan.net/1384189).

* * *

 

1:15AM Nobuchika’s neck aches a bit and there’s something pointy stabbing at his arm, but his shoulders aren’t cold anymore, and there’s no longer anything digging into the bridge of his nose, so it’s alright. No need to move. Move. What a funny word. Sounds like a cow. Jumping over the moon. The mooooooon…

3:00AM It was vaguely warm and vaguely uncomfortable before, and now it’s very warm and very comfortable. He’s not quite sure how that happened, but he frankly doesn’t care because it would require too much thinking otherwise, and there’s a hole in the electric fence, and the sheep are yelling at him to hurry up, and he’s trying to run, run, as fast as he can....

5:00AM Nobuchika vaguely registers the sound of the front door quietly clicking shut- just Kougami out for his morning jog.  As this is a daily occurrence, the faint noise doesn’t bother Nobuchika at all (or anyone else in the apartment, for that matter, assuming any of them are even conscious to hear it), and is merely a gentle indication that a new day is about to start. But not yet. Five in the morning is a godforsaken hour to up at (unless you’re an exercise freak like Kougami, or have to go to work early unlike Kougami), so Nobuchika merely burrows deeper under the covers and falls back asleep.

5:30AM Masaoka is up by this point, softly padding down the hall and into the bathroom where Kougami – having returned from his jog – is taking a quick shower. If Nobuchika strains his ears, he can just barely make out Masaoka and Kougami discussing their plans for the day. Nobuchika doesn’t try too hard to eavesdrop because the lulling snippets of their conversation are so soothing, his pillow so soft, his blankets so warm…

5:45AM His alarm buzzes. He reluctantly silences it and crawls out from bed, stretching his arms over his head as he does so. On the other side of the room, there is a colorful grumble, and the battered alarm clock receives another dent. Poor thing. Nobuchika marches over and yanks the covers off of the determinedly prone figure in retaliation on behalf of the abused alarm clock. “Get up,” he orders, and reinforces that by literally kicking Kagari out of bed. Kagari lands on the floor whining all the while, but dutifully shuffles after Nobuchika to the bathroom, passing by Kougami (half-naked, of course) and Masaoka (smelling nicely of aftershave) on their way out.

6:00AM Freshly washed and dressed, Nobuchika and Kagari make their way to the kitchen where Kougami and Masaoka are already preparing breakfast for the family (Kougami is, anyway. Like Nobuchika, Masaoka is no longer allowed anywhere near the stove). Masaoka greets them, smiling as he reaches out to ruffle Nobuchika’s hair. Nobuchika makes a show of bristling at the contact, but nevertheless accepts it along with the empty lunch boxes that Masaoka hands him. Masaoka grabs the breakfast bowls and plates and shuts the cupboard door. With nothing to do until Kagari finishes making everyone’s lunches, Nobuchika gathers up the silverware and goes to help Masaoka set the table.

6:30AM He neatly packs up the last of the lunches with a sense of pride. The jellyfish arrangement he’d attempted with Tsunemori’s food has turned out surprisingly well. If he can’t cook (it’s not like he knocked over the flour on purpose. He didn’t even know there was such a thing as super fine flour, much less that it was combustible or that they owned a huge bag of the stuff), then he might as well make the food look good. Behind him at the table, Masaoka hums pleasantly as he arranges the breakfast platters into position, each dish as painstakingly decorated as the lunch boxes. Job done, Nobuchika leaves to wake up the girls.

-

“So, Mom, how goes the sex life with Dad?” asks Shuusei innocently in a mockery of a stage-whisper. The bottle misses Kou’s mouth completely, spilling water over a set of beautifully defined abs responsible for Apartment 306’s heart attack (that will teach him to walk around the outside hallway shirtless when there is an old lady living next door).

“ _There is no sex life_ ,” Kou sputters in horror, slamming the bottle down onto the counter and somehow managing to keep the frying pan in his other hand steady. He makes no move to wipe his glistening chest, much to everyone’s delight. “It’s not like the old man can get it up anyway. Also,” Kou flips the egg with much more violence than necessary, “don’t call me that.”

“I heard that,” says Masaoka, sounding more amused than insulted. “And I assure you, _my honey bunny_ , that I can get still get it up. This old man’s not _that_ old yet.”

Gino groans in a mixture of disgust and exasperation. “Must we talk about this right before breakfast?” he grumbles. “I’m gonna lose my appetite.”

“But of course!” chirps Shuusei, grinning at Gino. “There’s no better time to discuss one’s sex life than before a meal. Unless, of course, you’d rather we discuss your identity crisis.” He nods at Gino’s blue high school uniform. The color complements Gino’s pale skin very well, but there is no going around the fact that it is the _girls’_ high school uniform.

Shoving his glasses up, Gino shoots Shuusei a positively withering glare. “For the last time, it’s comfortable, and I _like_ it,” he snaps, picking up and slapping down a random fork, clearly wishing that he was sticking it through Shuusei’s eyeball instead. Gino stalks upstairs again to fetch the others (why do girls always take forever in the bathroom?), skirt flaring angrily around his skinny legs.

A spatula acquaints itself soundly with Shuusei’s head. “Great. Now you’ve gone and pissed off your big brother,” reprimands Kou, tossing the utensil carelessly into the sink.

“I was just teasing,” protests Shuusei, rubbing the back of his head. At least Gino didn’t feel the need to kick him again. His butt is still smarting from earlier.Then, he processes the admonishment. “Heeeeey, if he’s my big brother, then why can’t I call you ‘Mom’?”

“Morning, Mom! Morning, Dad!” Shion singsongs as she quite rudely elbows Shuusei out of the way to plant a kiss on Kou’s cheek. Kou gives him a look with ‘ _That’s_ why, you idiot’ stamped all over it. Shuusei shrugs, turns around, and slams straight into Akane, who’s frantically rushing around with her tie in a knotted mess until Gino takes pity and fixes it for her.

Breakfast passes by quickly with only a minor incident where Kuni stabs him with her fork. Accidentally, or so she claims, seeing as she ends up with the last bread roll instead of him. But bygones be bygones (or they will be once he switches out her conditioner for lotion), and they are all rushing out the door soon enough.

“And there they go,” comments Kou once the front door shuts.

“And here we are,” says Masaoka as he clears the table.

“And just another morning,” contributes Shuusei while he leisurely scrolls through the messages and updates on his phone. Awww, how cute. His friend @crackrjackr16 just posted up another adorable cat picture.

There is a short pause. “Oi! Off to school with you too,” commands Kou, pointing at the door.

“Do I have to?” Shuusei complains for the sake of complaining, already standing up.

“Yes, unless you want to flip burgers and make vanilla shakes at Maji Burger for the rest of your life.” Masaoka slaps Shuusei on the back with his prosthetic hand. Ouch. “Now go. You’re going to be late.”

His family really does put the ‘tough’ in ‘tough love’.

-

Everything is calm.  
Much calmer now that the children are in school. It’s not that Tomomi dislikes the hectic mornings – heavens, no – but there’s just something very nice about being able to relax after all that familiar mayhem. Kou would never admit it, but judging by the lack of unconscious tension in his muscular shoulders, he probably feels the same.

Everything is quiet.  
Until the doorbell rings at around 1PM. But it’s fine because they are expecting guests. Tomomi calls for Kou to please put on a shirt while he gets the door. After the fiasco with the elderly woman in 306 (he believes her name is Kasei. It could be Touma for all he knows, but it didn’t seem very appropriate to ask, considering the situation), they decided not to take any chances with anyone outside the family. Tomomi suspects that their visiting neighbors from 304 would actually be delighted to catch an eyeful or two of the apartment complex’s idol wandering around in his shirtless glory, but he still waits for Kou to be properly clothed before heading towards the door.

Everything is still.  
For the few seconds in which he opens the front door and everyone is smiling amiably at one another (or, in Kou’s case, smirking in a smiling manner). Everything shortly erupts into a storm of friendly greetings, followed by handshakes and manly hugs and maybe even a bit of groping (Tomomi’s suspicions do come from somewhere, after all). Ever the gracious host, Tomomi welcomes Makishima Shougo and Choe Gu-sung into the apartment.

Everything is tranquil.  
In the living room, anyway. In the kitchen, Kou and Makishima are discussing a new sponge cake recipe, rummaging around for ingredients and bowls as they speak. Choe had merely offered up a new pack of beer with a grin and a cocked eyebrow, and they’d wordlessly made a beeline for the armchairs in the living room. Brothers in arms…and beer, thinks Masaoka cheerfully, clinking his bottle with Choe’s.

Everything is silent.  
Because neither he nor Choe are big on talking. Choe’s interests do lie with computers, but since they are Tomomi’s weak point (despite Choe’s repeated and patient attempts to explain, Tomomi just can’t understand the purpose of a tumbler that’s not used for drinking, or some sort of tweeter that is and is not a bird. Choe find this hilarious for some reason), it’s easier to not bring them up. Besides, it is extremely rare to find someone to sit in companionable silence with, so they prefer to just enjoy the moment as it is. Camaraderieship, that’s the word he’s been looking for…

Everything is harmonious.  
With only the rustle of Tomomi’s newspaper breaking through the lilting strains of classical music playing from the stereo. There’s an article about firefighters rescuing cats, a section on some actor being spotted at a restaurant with his alleged girlfriend, a spread on Mayor Sibyl getting reelected, and so on. Across from him, Choe lazily pages through his e-book reader. Kou and Makishima genially wonder aloud if maybe the four of them should start a book club of some sort.

Everything is serene.  
Especially with the delicious scent of baking wafting through the air from the kitchen, whose walls still bear a few nostalgic scorch marks (the first and last time they switched morning duties with Kou and Kagari, Nobuchika had somehow managed to find and knock over an industrial-sized bag of super fine flour at the same time Tomomi had been lighting up the gas stove while drinking from a bottle of vodka. It was sheer luck that their pride was the only casualty in the resulting explosion). When he catches Choe’s contentedly gleaming eyes, Tomomi can’t help smiling and raising his bottle because he’s pretty sure they are thinking the same thing- there’s nothing like enjoying the small pleasures in life. They toast to that.

And everything is peaceful.

-

Shion, we need to talk.

Sure thing, Mom. What’s up?

Don’t call me that. Your dad and I… Pops and I were on the elevator when Ouryou Rikako came aboard. Ouryou- she lives in the penthouse upstairs with that artist dad of hers?

Yeah, I know her. Unfortunately.

Then you might know that she seems to have hacked off most of her hair. By herself.Without a mirror.

Such a shame to waste all that lovely hair. It’s not as lovely as Yayoi’s though, of course.

And she was swearing like a sailor.

Oh my, the princess cusses. Perish the thought.

And your name came up every other word, though she denied it when we asked what was wrong.

Imagine that.

Any idea what happened?

None at all!

None at—oh, come on! Obviously, _you_ \--

Now, now, Kou. I’m sure there is a reasonable explanation for this. Shion.

Yes, Dad?

If you do not have any ideas, then perhaps you can come up with – I don’t know – a hypothetical situation as to how Miss Ouryou ended up with short hair?

Mmm, a hypothetical situation… I can do that! Okay, let’s say, hypothetically, that she’s been bullying Akane.

That bitch has been _what_?!

_Language_ , Kou. Shion, continue.

She used to bully Yayoi too, hypothetically, but Yayoi can take care of herself, so it’s fine.

Like _hell_ it’s fine. Let go of me, Pops!

Not a chance. Now sit back down.

Keep your shirt on, Mom. Oh wait, that would require you to actually _have_ a shirt to keep on, not that we mind. Work out much?

Stop calling me that.

Anyways, so someone would want to take revenge in that situation, right?

Hypothetically.

Hypothetically. And someone might know that she regularly spends her lunchtime in the shed behind the gym where they keep all the equipment.

Doing what? Screwing Old Man Senguji?

Senguji as in the science teacher Senguji? Uh, yes, actually.

That creepy old fart is still around? Oh god, that’s _disgusting_. No wonder she’s such a sl—

Kou, that’s quite enough. Go on.

So once Senguji leaves after one of their sessions, someone might take the opportunity to jump her while she’s still putting on her clothes and face. Hypothetically.

I bet she needs all the makeup she can get.

Pipe down, Kou. You were saying, Shion?

As soon as she’s tied up, someone might warn her to stay away from Akane and Yayoi or else… and hypothetically chop off her hair with her own painting scalpel to make sure she understands properly and doesn’t tell anyone.

…you don’t think cutting her hair is overkill?

Oh? I think it is just enough kill. Hypothetically. Poetic justice and all, you know? Besides, _she was bullying Akane and Yayoi_. She’s lucky that I… er, somebody stopped at her hair.

Heh, serves her right. Maybe I should still have a chat with her dad.

I don’t think that will be necessary. Shion, are you certain that a hypothetical situation like this won’t happen again?

It won’t. I made sure of that, hypothetically.

Very well. But if there is a next time, hypothetically, you could try for something less…drastic? Talk to a teacher or another adult, maybe.

You’re way behind the times, Pops. That’s not how it works. What he means is that you can do whatever you want as long as you don’t get caught. I hear that nail guns are good for threatening.

That is _not_ what I meant. But Shion?

Yes?

Kou and I do hypothetically thank you for looking after Akane and Yayoi.

And I hypothetically say that that’s what big sisters are for.

[Nobody – Shion thinks fiercely as she makes her way upstairs to where Yayoi and Akane are waiting anxiously – _nobody_ gets away with hurting her family. And there’s nothing hypothetical about that]

-

Sasayama may be their only “uncle”, but he is still their favorite uncle for a number of reasons that Yayoi can list off the top of her head.

When the doorbell rings, they hastily and unceremoniously shove Kou behind the couch where he lands with an undignified thump (because after the disaster with the woman in 306, they really had to be more careful). As the person closest to the entrance, Yayoi peers cautiously through the peephole before throwing the door wide open. “Uncle Sasayama!” she cries in delight.

“Hey there!” Sasayama grins and tugs lightly at her ponytail. “How’s my favorite niece doing?”

Reason number one: he shows up unexpectedly.

“No fair playing favorites!” protests Shion good-naturedly, latching onto Yayoi and pulling her away. “What does that make us then? Neighbors?”

Sasayama chuckles. “Great to see you too, kiddo. And no. I doubt you guys are _that_ voyeuristic.” For some reason, he waves at the ceiling above 304’s door where something is always glinting and making whirling noises. Two guilty coughs sound from that apartment.

Reason number two: he never gets mad at them.

“What does ‘voyeuristic’ mean?” asks a wide-eyed and curious Akane, tugging on Sasayama’s jacket.

“It means you like watching others do naughty stuff,” he explains indulgently, bending down and playfully tapping her nose. She smiles, and Yayoi steps aside as Akane moves in for a proper embrace. “Nothing you have to worry about.”

Reason number three: he’s smart.

“If it’s nothing she has to worry about, then don’t tell her,” chides Gino from behind them. He crosses his arms, looking much less displeased than his tone suggest.

“Better now than later,” reasons Sasayama with a shrug. He follows up with a sincere “Nice outfit. Suits you better than the guys’ uniform.”

Gino huffs and turns away, but the tips of his ears are pink, and he allows Sasayama to pull him into a quick one-armed hug with minimal protest.

Reason number four: he always knows the right thing to say.

“That’s absolutely _wonderful_ ,” drawls Kou, head popping up from behind the couch, a dust bunny or two nestled in his hair. Yayoi stifles the urge to snicker. Sasayama doesn’t. “Now close the door already. It’s cold.”

“Or you can put on a shirt,” Sasayama points out cheekily, stepping in and obliging the request. “But no need to deprive the world of your chiseled magnificence on my account.” He walks over and casually shoves Kou’s head back down out of sight.

Reason number five: he has a sense of humor.

“Heeeeey, since we’re all here, let’s have dinner,” suggests Kagari, emerging from the kitchen, covered in sauce. Yayoi is tempted to comment that he has never looked better (a justifiable insult, seeing as he’s probably up to something since she took the last bread roll this morning).

“Is it time for dinner already?” gasps Sasayama in mock surprise. “What a coincidence!”

Reason number six: he appreciates good food.

“It’s a coincidence that you always show up in time to eat,” agrees Masaoka, right at Kagari’s heels. He clasps a friendly hand on Sasayama’s shoulder, and Sasayama returns the gesture. “How’s work?”

“Fine, fine.”Sasayama waves his hand vaguely. “Just a bit of this and that, y’know?” They don’t, but they leave it at that since none of them are actually sure of what Sasayama does for a living (or even what Masaoka and Kougami do, for that matter, but it’s all good as long as the money keeps rolling in).

Reason number seven: he is mysterious.

Sasayama makes for the dining area, but stops abruptly to snap his fingers. “Ah, but first…” He whips out a large bag from thin air and begins distributing packages to the entire family. “Presents!”

Reason number eight: he is generous.

Yayoi eagerly unwraps her small box to find a bottle of nail polish in the prettiest shade of pink…and a card from the local music store stating that a guitar has arrived and is ready to be picked up. A guitar for one Kunizuka Yayoi. _The_ guitar that she has had her eyes on for the better part of the year. And when she looks up, hardly believing it to be true, Sasayama catches her eye and winks.

Reason number nine: he _understands_.

She tosses the box aside in favor of flinging her arms around him. Sasayama lets out a startled and pleased laugh that quickly turns into a startled and not-pleased squawk when everyone else starts piling on him as well, tearfully crying out expressions of gratitude and declarations of eternal love.

Reason number… ah, forget it. There are just too many reasons to count.

-

If Akane were asked to pick five words or less to describe her family, she would automatically choose ‘rubber ducky.’ Now Akane _has_ been asked to do that before, and she ended up confusing her classmates even more when she tried to explain. It’s not that anything about them resembles a rubber ducky; it’s more like they just own a lot of ducky items… 

Akane peeks around the corner surreptitiously. Empty. Good. Taking a deep breath, she tiptoes down the hall and reaches for the doorknob. Stealthily, stealthily…

“A~ Ka~ Ne~” somebody purrs right in her ear. Akane yips and jerks her hand back, jumping away from the door. Shion smirks and crosses her arms under her ample chest. Akane is not jealous in the slightest. “Whatcha doing in front of the guys’ bathroom?”

“N-n-nothing,” Akane stammers, a most unconvincing blush spreading across her face. She tries to back away and only succeeds in bumping into an inquisitive Kunizuka.

Kunizuka raises a skeptical eyebrow at the item in Akane’s arms, which Akane had brought along for moral support. “With Mr. Quack? It doesn’t look like ‘nothing’.”

Mr. Quack was a gigantic yellow ducky (currently in a plastic bag as to not get wet) won from a festival. Everyone had somehow gotten it into their heads that Akane absolutely _needed_ a big stuffed animal, and so had commandeered the nearest shooting game. After an hour of blowing through a ridiculous sum of money with spectacular failures on all ends (including one memorable moment when Uncle Sasayama nearly shot the poor stall attendant), Grandpa Saiga had snatched the rifle from Kougami with a muttered “Amateurs,” and promptly blasted the duck off the shelf in five seconds flat.

Before Akane can say anything, Shion pounds a fist into her other hand and grins cattily. “Ooh, I get it.” She nudges Akane with a ducky slipper. The slippers had been a get-well incentive from everyone when Shion came down with the flu for two weeks. Between enticing her better and listening to her complain nonstop, the choice was clear. Good thing Yayoi spotted the slippers while shopping for new shoes. “ _You_ want to take a bath with _Mommy_.”

“Eh? No, that’s not it!” squeaks Akane. She looks pleadingly at Kunizuka, but the older girl just shrugs and continues mumbling promises of revenge under her breath while ferociously drying her hair with a ducky patterned towel. After Christmas shopping, they had somehow ended up with a free towel, but could not civilly agree on who would get it. After a vicious night of board games, much name calling, and an impressive amount of cheating, Kunizuka had emerged as the victor.

“It’s alright,” Shion coos despite Akane’s protests, voice gleefully dripping with innuendo. “All girls want to bathe with their mom at some point. Don’t you think?” She drags someone out of nowhere.

“Don’t ask me!” yelps Ginoza, nearly dropping his notebook on Akane’s foot. “Just because I dress like a girl doesn’t mean I am one.” He brandishes his ducky pencil indignantly. He once misplaced this lucky pencil the night before a test, and everyone had frantically turned the apartment upside down before Akane realized it was tucked behind Ginoza’s ear the whole time. A lot of fuss over a pencil, but a necessary one seeing as there is a positive correlation between how well Ginoza does on exams and how well everyone else does (needless to say, they’re all honors students).

“It’s not like you _have_ to be a girl to take a bath with Kou,” rationalizes Kagari, coming up the stairs and brushing down his ducky apron, apparently unaware of the splatters of sauce still on his nose. The apron was a thank you gift/bribe when they realized that Kagari was the only person aside from Kougami who could cook without burning down the apartment (there’s a reason why Masaoka and Ginoza are only allowed to handle the food _after_ it’s been made). “Saves water that way.” He absently slings an arm around Akane’s shoulder.

“If anyone’s taking a bath with Kou, shouldn’t it be me?” Masaoka emerges from his bedroom with a ducky dressing gown over his pajamas. Sometime after Shion had recovered from her flu, they’d intended to get Masaoka some ducky slippers for his birthday, and were dismayed to discover that the slippers were all sold out. Fortunately, Kagari accidentally stumbled across the dressing gown while sneaking around the women’s lingerie store, and everyone decided that it was perfect. Masaoka strolls over to the bathroom and raps on the door. “What do you say, _darling_?” he jokes, raising his voice.

The door painted with colorful ducks (one by each of them, when they first moved in) squeaks open. “Say what? And don’t call me that. Pops, have you seen my pa—?”

There is a long silence as everyone’s eyes fix upon various parts of Kougami’s dripping wet body. His dripping wet _naked_ body. Kougami almost steps outside, but thinks the better of it in wake of the blatant ogling. “Okaaaaay,” he says slowly, withdrawing his foot. “You know what? Never mind. I’ll just…be in here.” He inches back inside and hurriedly slams and locks the door shut.

Akane sighs as everybody throws themselves at the bathroom door, hollering all manners of things ranging from Ginoza yelling at Kougami to quit selfishly hogging the bathroom to Shion vulgarly hooting for another show. There go her plans for stealing a bottle from Kougami’s extensive Rubber Ducky Super Bubble Bath collection while he naps in the tub.

-

_Goodnight room. Goodnight room.  
Goodnight cow jumping over the moon._

Shinya’s eyes snap open as his internal alarm clock blares a happy jig. He glances at his actual alarm clock out of habit. One in the morning, as always. He sits up and stretches, blinking away visions of electric sheep jumping over electric fences and short-circuiting themselves when they didn’t clear the barbed wires. How morbid. Once his eyes adjust to the darkness, Shinya slides out of bed and through the bedroom door, taking great care not to disturb Masaoka who is slumbering on the far side of the room. The old man doesn’t so much as twitch.

Shinya doesn’t remember when he and Masaoka started the nightly tradition of checking the apartment- probably as soon as they moved in. He and Masaoka used to take turns, but after the mix-up in which the two of them ended up patrolling simultaneously and mistaking the other for a burglar (it sure was awkward coming up with a story for the kids as to why the living room was in complete shambles and why they were covered in bruises), they came to an agreement; Masaoka would deal with all the bills and taxes and other boring stuff and Shinya would make the rounds. A fair trade, seeing as Shinya is very talented at bungling paperwork and Masaoka’s night vision is not as good as it used to be.  
  
 _Goodnight light and the red balloon._  
 _Goodnight bears. Goodnight chairs._

Shinya muffles a curse when he stubs his toe on a chair in the dining area. So maybe his own night vision needs a little work as well, but in his defense, the chair had not been there when he went off to bed a few hours ago. He viciously nudges the offending chair back into place and continues on his way. Nothing’s out of place, as far as he can tell. The slivers of moonlight streaming through the gaps in the curtains allow him to navigate his way to the living room without any major incidents.

There, Shinya thoroughly checks the locks on the front door. ‘Love thy neighbors’ really only applies if you trust them in the first place. Shinya is certain that the old woman in 306 bears a grudge against him for her heart attack, disregarding the fact that he’d just been standing in the hallway minding his own business before she came along, and disregarding the fact that he was the one to call for the paramedics. He can’t think of a reason other than resentment to explain why she keeps glaring at his chest (probably trying to give him a heart attack with her mind) so hard that he’s surprised his shirt (for some reason, they keep making him wear shirts when other people are around) doesn’t catch on fire. So yes, better safe than sorry in case she decides to exact revenge upon him.  
  
 _Goodnight kittens and Goodnight mittens._  
 _Goodnight clocks and Goodnight socks._

He heads upstairs and quietly slips into the girls’ bedroom. Tsunemori is curled up on her side, clutching that monstrous stuffed duck she got from a festival (Saiga has yet to let them live this embarrassment down). Her brows are knitted together slightly – probably just a bad dream – but it luckily doesn’t take much more than patting her hair gently for the frown lines to smooth out.

Shinya turns around and nearly trips over Shion. Again. With a sigh, he gathers her up, sprawling limbs and all, and deposits her back onto her bed. Neither he nor Masaoka are sure how she manages to fall onto the floor every night without waking herself or the others up, but they are just very thankful that she doesn’t sleep on the top bunk.

Speaking of the top bunk… Shinya holds a hand above Yayoi’s nose to make sure that she’s still breathing. Unlike Shion, Yayoi sleeps so soundly and motionlessly that she can possibly be mistaken for dead. It sure gave him and Masaoka cause for panic the first few times they patrolled, along with a new meaning to the phrase ‘sleeping like the dead,’ but they’re used to it now. Mostly.  
  
 _Goodnight little house and Goodnight mouse._  
 _Goodnight comb and Goodnight brush._

Next up is the boys’ room. Kagari sleeps curled up on his side like Tsunemori, but instead of a humongous duck, he instead opts to hug a glass jar full of jellybeans. Kagari claims that it helps him sleep better and that it’s perfect if he needs a midnight snack. Shinya can’t see how cuddling a glass jar of anything can possibly be comfortable, but hey, to each his own. He pulls up the blanket that has slid down to Kagari’s feet and tucks him in.

Gino has conked out at his desk once more, head pillowed on his arms over a scattered mess of textbooks and papers. Switching off the desk lamp, Shinya carefully removes Gino’s glasses and grabs a nearby jacket to drape over the kid’s hunched shoulders. In a couple hours, Gino will mysteriously sleepwalk himself to his own bed, but the jacket is a good enough blanket for now.  
  
 _Goodnight nobody. Goodnight mush._  
 _And Goodnight to the old lady whispering "hush"._

Shinya eases himself back into his bedroom and shuts the door with a muffled click. On the other side of the room, the mound of blankets stirs.

“Everything good?” rumbles Masaoka drowsily.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Shinya assures him.

“Okay. G’night, Kou.”

“G’night, Pops.”

As the sound of Masaoka’s light snoring fills the air again, Shinya crawls under the covers and closes his eyes, electric sheep with rubber gloves and wire cutters ushering him back into the land of dreams.  
  
 _Goodnight stars. Goodnight air._  
 _Goodnight noises everywhere._

And the whole family falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: As you might have noticed, I have no idea why they're living together, or why there's an "upstairs" ^^; But Maji Burger refers to Kuroko no Basuke, "My honey bunny" and "Pipe down, so-and-so" refer to the Warui series by Sakuraga Mei, the room numbers refer to the Superior Day manhwa, and the flour explosion comes from Kuroshitsuji. Thank you so much for reading!


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